I need to cry, and so I have almost the whole afternoon and this evening. I came home to be with Kenna and do a few things at home and I kept crying, thinking that I should not have left Arianna. I know I need to take breaks and take care of myself but it doesn't feel right. I am always hearing from people 'how strong I am' and how 'they don't think they could do it if they were in my shoes.' Well I say to them all, I had no choice, but I wouldn't want to not have her. All that she has given to our life is inmeasurable, and I thank God we have this much time with her. Still it always lingers in the back of my mind, today could be the day she leaves us. We are resolved to let her go when she can't fight anymore, if she can't recover and breath on her own it's okay. It has been this way since she was born, but now that we have had 19 beautiful months with her I plead with God to please let her stay, let her be healthy, to let her show countless others the miracle he created.
You maybe asking youself, 'why is she talking like this'. Well it has to do with the term 'heart failure', and how a radiologist 'sees' this in her chest x-ray, 'maybe'. The doctor overseeing her care tells me this but does not explain the true deffinition. To me I hear 'her heart doesn't want to work anymore, it's failed'. So I call her primary Dr and she explains that it means there is extra fluid bulid up, the heart is failing to get rid of it, they just need to help her get fluid balanced. I now feel a bit better but still want to cry some more, so I do.
I have decided not to return to the hospital tonight, I let Matt go instead, I really need to get a good nights sleep in my own bed. It is tearing me apart not be together as a family at home. I know that she will be in good hands, not the best, those belong to me, but I will trust that the Lord will keep her in his hands. I made sure to tell Matt all the things I want answers to, and told him to make sure that her nurse takes great care of her.
I shall now go have a big bowl of ice cream and go to bed. Thanks for the release.
1 comment:
It's Okay to meltdown, have a good healthy cry. I have had my share of meltdowns and will probably have more. Find your best relaxation technique and let go. Mine is imagery of a beach and I think of the pattern of the waves and breathe like the pattern of the waves. If you need a good place to relax at the hospital the chapel on the third floor is a nice quiet place to go. Please take comfort in knowing that many people are praying for you and your sweet Arianna, including me. My son named Isaac is five and has battled his heart and rode one of the extreme roller coasters of life. His blog is: www.laughingwarrior.blogspot.com
I have added a link Arianna's blog to his heart buddy list.
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